


No life without you

by LadyBardock



Series: True Love [26]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Music, Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Break Up, Cancer, Character Death, Friends With Benefits, From Sex to Love, M/M, Moving Out, Sibling Incest, from brothers to lovers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-21
Updated: 2016-08-25
Packaged: 2018-08-10 04:02:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,316
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7829707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyBardock/pseuds/LadyBardock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kili nearly died when his beloved brother declared that he's moving out. Especially after the first night when Kili decided to show what he really felt...<br/>Heartbroken and alone Kili does everything to forget the only person who was his everything...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

“What do you mean you’re moving out?” Kili’s voice was low and solemn. Somehow his hung-over brain had huge problems comprehending what his beloved brother just said.

“I think it’s time I got a place of my own.” Fili repeated.

Kili blinked. This was just unbelievable. His worst nightmare. Fili was the only constant person in his life. They had always lived together, since the day they were born. Raised by their parents, till their parents’ tragic death in a car accident. The day they died Fili was already nineteen so he took custody over him and they stayed together. Kili simply moved into Fili’s flat in the place of his college roommate and went to high school.

Later they stayed together all those years in college, and finally when their band began making real money they bought a fancy penthouse. They were always together. And Kili couldn’t imagine it any other way. Girls came and gone in their lives. He had no idea who broke up Sigrid or Fili, but the girl had practically lived with them for two years. Tauriel after a year decided she needed a real boyfriend not a friend, but they still kept in touch. Kili had flings with both boys and girls from time to time, but their home was their sanctuary, no one else allowed in. Just the two of them. Just as it should be.

Fili was his everything... and Kili desperately thought of the huge affection he had for him. He knew it was unnatural and forbidden. But Fili was his everything...

They lived together, worked together, partied together... Moving out didn’t make any sense.

“Why do you think so?” Kili asked feeling depressed.

“As much as having fun, doing music and everything is fun for a time. I think it’s time for me to slow down...” Fili tried to explain.

“Slow down?” Kili grimaced. “You want to give up the band?”

“Maybe not give up... but I want to make more time for doing other things as well.” Fili continued.

“Like what?” Kili was grim.

“I’m not getting any younger... I always wanted a family.” Fili added.

“I’m your family.” Kili mumbled trying to stop the tears.

“As much as I love you, I want to have children of my own.” Fili admitted.

“You don’t even have a girlfriend, do you?” Kili shot immediately. He saw guilt on Fili’s face. The last album was full of longing songs Fili wrote. It now became evident he was longing for some girl. It meant he was going out with her behind Kili’s back...

“I might.” Fili admitted.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Kili growled.

“You were so mean towards Sigrid... I just...” Fili shrugged.

“You just decided not to tell me...” Kili hissed. “I wasn’t mean towards her, but she simply didn’t deserve you... she was so plain and so uninteresting.”

Fili looked down guilty, Kili knew that look.

“So basically you met some girl, you want to move out to fuck her and get her pregnant?” Kili growled with anger. “So you’re basically saying you have no room for me in your life?”

Fili didn’t even face him.

“For fuck’s sake!” Kili got up and rushed out of the room, tears blinding him. He grabbed his car keys and ignoring his homey clothes he rushed to the Porsche.

“Nori are you home?” He called his friend.

“Drunk as a swine... but yeah...” Nori growled.

“Can I come?” Kili begged.

“What happened?” Nori hissed.

“I just... I need a place to stay a while.” Kili asked.

“You know the address. I’ll leave the front door open...” Nori hissed and hung up.

\------

Fili watched Kili storm out feeling desperate. He knew it wouldn’t be easy. The conversation postponed and put off for over two years now. Kili was attached to him, he knew that. But he also knew they were too attached to each other. Sigrid’s words about how he always preferred his younger brother over her still rang in his head. It was her choice not to come on tours with them. But it was his to finally break up when she began demanding they moved out and he stopped playing with his band.

Kili was his everything, that’s why this hurt so much. He loved him way beyond what he should. And yet the love itself was the reason why he had to leave. To take a safe step back. Last night was the final proof he should. When drunk Kili often found his way to Fili’s bed. It was so thrilling and so pleasant at the same time, something deep inside him wanted it to happen. He wanted to feel him next to him, feel those warm arms around him. The warm breathe on his neck as they snuggled. Kili rarely remembered what happened during those nights. Always extremely surprised he woke up next to Fili.

_Last night Fili crossed the line. Feeling Kili’s body next to his, feeling drunk and weak, he was tempted so much by the long divine legs brushing against him._

_“Have you ever done it with a boy?” The casual question Fili asked touched upon a topic they never talked about. But he was too drunk to really care._

_“Have you?” Kili shot back with a low giggle._

_“I always wanted to... but I never got the chance.” Fili confessed._

_“Nori...” Kili mumbled._

_“What about him?” Fili insisted._

_“We met at a gay disco and well we fucked before we became friends.” Kili confessed._

_“Do you still fuck?” Fili played with Kili’s long hair._

_“Rarely now.” Kili admitted in a low voice._

_“What does it feel like?” Fili nudged his neck._

_“It’s fun...” Kili whispered back. “Would you like to try?” There was a flirtatious spark in his eyes, one Fili really loved to see._

_He didn’t reply, his eyes just stayed on Kili’s lips._

_“You would.” Kili mumbled with triumph. “Would you like to try?” Kili repeated the question in a raspy thrilling voice._

_Fili just continued staring, taking in Kili’s beautiful face and lips. Thinking of his thrilling body, long legs and beautiful hair._

_The kiss surprised him, but it was something he wanted for years. Something me dreamt about for years._

_“Try with me... I’ll teach you...” Kili’s words sent shivers down Fili’s back. Soon he felt a real assault, lips demanding, hands roaming. Those long legs around his hips.  Kili was dictating the pace, but it was just heaven._

When he woke up with a huge headache, with the worst attack of guilt in his life, Fili quickly realised Kili did not remember. He didn’t remember the night full of sex. And it hurt so much, but also pointed out that Fili just had to change things.

He had no idea how to tell him that he needed more distance without hurting him, and when Kili ran off with tears in his eyes Fili realised there was no good way of dealing with it. It would always hurt.

\-----

Nori was sitting in front of his best friend with a hangover.

“So you mean, you finally decided to make a move and he didn’t remember? And suddenly he blurred out that he wants to move out?” Nori was trying to comprehend.

He was Kili’s first male lover, and well after a few very eventful nights together they decided friends would work better. They broke the rule on several occasions, but it was never a deep relationship. And Nori was the first to work out what was going on in Kili’s head.

“He said he has a girlfriend he’s been keeping away from me and that he wants to have children and a real family...” Kili was crying heartbroken.

Nori’s cigarette dropped from his mouth in shock.

“Bugger...” He grimaced. “That does make things difficult...”

“I can’t get fucking pregnant... I can’t give him that...” Kili continued sobbing.

“You can’t really be with him or force him... if he still prefers girls... and wants kids... I’m sorry to break it to you... but it’s kind of hopeless.” Nori grimaced.

“I have no idea how I’ll be able to face him...” Kili cried. “We should sit down and write songs for the new album... and now I just feel like writing teary ballads.”

“Those actually sell great.” Nori hissed. “You want some good advice?”

“Shoot.” Kili was desperate.

“You have two options. Either you face him and say head on what you want. Or you just take a step back and try to forget about him.” Nori told him.

“He’s my brother it’s not possible to forget him...” Kili cried.

“I manage just fine.” Nori growled.

“You have a brother?” Kili asked stunned.

“Two actually.” Nori nodded.

“I can’t face him...” Kili pulled his legs up.

“You can move in.” Nori proposed.

“Nah... I’ve got a place to stay.” Kili looked down feeling his hands shake.

“Do you want some help moving?” Nori asked.

“I’m not going back.” Kili felt new tears come to his eyes.

“I’ll be there for you.” Nori hugged him as his best friend cried on end.


	2. Chapter 2

Fili found himself in a place void of life. He had no reason to get up or clean up. Suddenly everything stopped making sense. Kili left and didn’t come back for many days. They should be writing music, but Kili’s phone was off and none of their friends knew where he was. He knew it would be hard to set some distance, but by distance he never thought he’d lose him. Utterly and completely lose him. Lose him forever. No matter how hard Balin was pushing him, he didn’t care about anything.

Soon Balin gave up on trying to find Kili, and the new album was postponed indefinitely. Dain, Gimli and Eowyn almost killed him after he gave them the news, but Fili had no will to make music without Kili. They made enough money never to work again in their lives.

So he found himself desperate and alone back in their apartment. Anytime he looked around he could hear Kili’s enthusiasm when they first bought it.

_“A real place of our own!” Kili smiled happily._

_“Home.” Fili repeated hugging him._

_“Home.” Kili laughed and rushed to go to the rooftop garden. “It feels like paradise!”_

_“It sure does!” Fili laughed, feeling happy._

_Those were good days. Happy days. Full of enthusiasm about their band’s success._

He looked back to their apartment now, and it felt so empty...

He had to find Kili, and there was only one person who might know where he is.

Fili tried to get dressed and focus, and somehow he managed to remember the club name where Kili’s boyfriend worked. He got there only to hear that Nori, would be at work from ten. So he sat and waited.

When Nori walked in he was alone, no sight of Kili.

“Hey, I wasn’t expecting to see you here.” Nori grimaced noticing him at the bar.

“Where is Kili?” Fili asked grimly.

“I’ve got no idea.” Nori sat down next to him and ordered a round of shots.

“When have you last heard from him?” Fili asked slowly.

“The day you two had a fight.” Nori hissed. “I’ve never seen him so desperate... I asked him to stay at my place, but he refused.”

“What did he say?” Fili growled.

“Apart from feeling betrayed that you made such elaborate lifelong plans not including him? He was busy crying.” Nori hissed.

“And you didn’t make him stay?” Fili was angry.

“No matter what you might think of me... I’m not his nanny.” Nori replied taking down a shot.

“You're his boyfriend.” Fili grimaced the word burning his tongue.

“No, I’m not. We were just friends.” Nori corrected him.

“You two fucked...” Fili was spiteful. Nori glanced at him with some strange merriness in his eyes.

“Just casually. He never really wanted me, so as long as it was convenient, it worked, but since I generally like my relationships more about me... well being friends works better.” Nori admitted with laugher.

Fili had no idea how to talk to him, he met the red head just a few times before, and now up close he could see what could appeal to Kili. The strength, the wild spark. The tattoos and crazy hairstyle. Nori was a bad boy who liked boys.

“Do you want some good advice?” Nori smiled a Chester cat smile at him. Fili raised his head to meet his eyes. “Start reading tabloids.”

Nori drank another shot and rushed to work.

“You shouldn’t be drinking at work.” Fili growled.

“I’m the boss here so I can do what the fuck I want!” Nori smiled and went away leaving Fili to two shots and his own thoughts.

Fili came home by taxi just to sit down and sulk again, he was tempted to reach for more alcohol, but he knew it was a narrow path with no way back. Nori’s words kept ringing in his head.

So he found himself online reading the worst tabloid websites on the planet. Typing in Caelan and the band name Monsoon was enough. In the past he avoided stuff like this, because it only lead to irritation. That’s what Balin advised at the beginning of their career. Their agent filed law suits and persecuted false information, and they slept at night.

There were hundreds of articles. Most about how Kili was great. About his sexual preferences, both male and female, and how people reacted to it. A lot about the band in general, about parties and drugs. About Eowyn as their sex slave. About new albums and crazy theories. It was the shambles and reading about it hurt like hell. Until he found a way to browse only the latest news.

‘Caelan in London without the band and his overbearing brother... Is he planning a solo career?”

‘Will Monsoon record a new album without their lead basis and singer?’

‘From a good boy to a bad boy in just one night, The real Caelan.’ The photo accompanying the article made Fili cringe. Kili never got a tattoo, they talked about it several times and both of them decided it was too feeble a wish to make it come true. But the photo showed his Kili with tattoos going up his forearms, just like Nori had, but the pattern was different, Kili made himself wings. The deep dark feeling in his gut was soon replaced with only one thought, that Kili looked great.

‘Is Caelan going to rehab?” Fili read about how his brother looked ill according to paparazzi and that his skin was unusually pale. He had to admit, Kili looked ill and sad.

The news were from all over the world, as if Kili was searching for some piece of mind. But none of them involved a third party. There were no photos from club or discos. No beaches, parties or alcohol.

A few weeks later he found one tangible piece of information.

‘Caelan just boarded a place for the US, is he going to settle his differences with his family and his band?’ Fili knew it probably meant Kili was back to LA. And he prayed he could call him, or make any form of contact.

Four days later he got a phone call from Balin to come to the studio.

His heart was beating wildly coming in, only to see worried glares from Dain, Gimli and Eowyn. Kili was there, but he unlike himself. The tattoos on his arms were real. He had circles under his eyes and some kind of lack of energy, unlike the usually Kili.

“So are you ready to sit down and write some songs for the new album?” Balin asked in a strained voice.

“We’re ready.” Dain hissed.

“So has anyone prepared something?” Balin asked slowly. And soon all the band members put on the table songs they prepared. Fili had his fair share, the heartache was killing him. But to his surprise Kili put a few also on the table.

Soon everyone was glancing at the songs other people did, and slowly they were discussing what they wanted to record. Kili was silent most of the time, even when Eowyn was delighted with his propositions. After a long day finally Balin had twenty songs to try out for the new album. The other fifteen kept on the reserved list, in case they decided later on that some of the songs did not match the album they were making.

“So which one goes first?” Balin asked slowly.

Eowyn reached for one of the songs Kili wrote. “This one.” She spoke in a firm tone. “And Kili is singing.”

Fili gazed at the song again, and slowly he felt hit with all the sorrow. It was a romantic song, but yet it was sad.

“Fine, so tomorrow.” He nodded with defeat.

As they were going out of the studio Kili seemed as if someone was chasing him.

“Kee!” Dain stopped him. “Do you have a place to stay?”

Kili just nodded and left without a word.

“You seriously fucked up, I hope you two finally talk it over.” Gimli growled at him as the band was leaving.

\------

But Kili never gave him a chance to talk. They would walk into the studio, barely talk with the band, record and try out the songs one by one. And Kili would rush out as soon as they were done. Avoiding Fili at all cost. Not even once looking at him or talking directly to him. The band tried to mediate, all of them shaken by the destructive atmosphere, but Kili never gave anyone a chance.

They selected fourteen songs from the album including all six written by Kili.  Eowyn pushed him to sing more, and at the end it turned out half of the album was sang by him. While none were song by Eowyn who was the lead singer a longer while.

As soon as they finished work in the studio Kili vanished. Not leaving a trace. The media silent about him, it was as if he hid underground.


	3. Chapter 3

Kili was listening to the new CD and gazing at the sea. The beautiful San Francisco bay. The stunning beach and house he bought for Fili’s thirtieth birthday. Fili always dreamt of a house by the sea, with beautiful wooden floors and huge windows. When they were young he would often browse the internet searching for the perfect house and showing Kili what his dreams were. Remembering his brother’s words and the photos from the past, Kili found the perfect place. Stunning beyond measure. With a heated swimming pool, beach and deck. It was huge, far too big for one person or just the two of them, but it felt right to buy it at the time. Because there was nothing that could make them fall out, was there?

When the renovation team called him saying the house was ready, Kili was in London sulking and trying to find something to do. He almost forgot about it. Now that they were apart it made no sense to give him the house. It was their dream home, and Kili spending over five million on it, because he thought that they would find happiness there. Tears came back to his eyes thinking of Fili’s new dreams. A wife and children. This house would have been perfect for a family. But Kili felt like being selfish for once in his life. So he decided to keep it.

The sad songs he wrote and sang brought tears to his eyes. He gazed at the sea again. He was far away from LA and all alone. This was supposed to be a fresh start, a new chapter in their life. But Fili’s birthday was long gone, and Kili’s life was also over.

The doorbell made him jump with fear.

“Who in hell?” Kili growled to himself and rushed to the door.

“Hi!” Two teenage girls were standing in the doorway. “I’m Vinca and this is Pearl, and we live next door!” The pointed to the beautiful house. The only other house in the area in fact.

“Dad asked us to drop by and invite you for cake and ice cream!” Vinca smiled.

“He baked his famous apple crumble which he serveds with home-made vanilla ice cream!” Pearl added.

Kili had trouble following the teenagers, they were speaking fast and with a British accent.

“Coffee and Tea are included in the invitation!” Vinca added.

Kili had no idea what to say, so he just agreed. It was so easy to say yes.

And within minutes he found himself in a house contrasting his. With ancient wooden furniture and stone floors.  A beautiful marble fireplace and thick Persian carpets. He was surrounded by chatter and laughter. And the moment he was handed a plate with the delightful hot apple crumble and ice cream, he concluded he was in heaven.

He met the owner, Bilbo and his six kids. Three young boys and three teenage girls. And suddenly he forgot all about his heartache and tears. This place felt like home.

“I’m glad we’re not the only people living here now, it felt a bit lonely.” Bilbo walked him to his house. “I wanted to talk to you about a little investment we could do together.”

“What do you have in mind?” Kili asked worried someone was going for his money.

“The road leading here... well only the owners of these two properties are entitled to use it. I’ve been thinking a while about it, but I would have to get the permission of the other owner and the agency selling your house didn’t really like the idea.” Bilbo spoke nervously.

“What kind of idea?” Kili asked slowly.

“That road is a common grounds for both properties, but I always dreamt of locking it off and making a gate. For security reasons. We would install a bell system for both houses, but that way no would could drive up here at all without us knowing about it. The peninsula is whole ours by definition.” Bilbo added.

“That actually sounds great!” Kili admitted. “Fifty fifty?”

“I’m really glad you like it! I’ll call my constructor to make a project and I’ll drop by.” Bilbo smiled. “I can’t help but admit I’m dying to see what you did with the place.”

“You’re all welcome to visit anytime you want!”  Kili assured him warmly. With a good feeling of comfort in his chest.

Soon Kili’s life changed in many aspects. He would be flooded with invitations for dinner and lunch. Add to that coffee, cake and ice cream invitations. Bilbo even asked him if they weren’t too overbearing, but Kili needed that. The feeling of being needed and accepted. It was nice to play with the kids, spend time just chatting and relaxing.

“So you’re not working?” Bilbo asked him.

“I told you he’s in a rock band!” Vinca scolded him. Bilbo looked puzzled.

Kili just blushed gently and smiled. “I’m taking a break.”

“I just love your music!” Pim the youngest girl admitted.

“I can’t believe I heard it...” Bilbo was shocked.

With a smile Kili walked into his house and brought the new CD.

“Oh my Mahal!” Vinca’s hands were shaking. “It’s the new album!”

“The one that is suppose to come out at the end of the November?” Pearl tried to get it from her.

“But it can’t leave your home, and you can’t tell any of your friends about it.” Kili pointed his finger at them.

“Thank you thank you thank you!” Pim chanted and rushed home with her sisters.

“Thank you.” Bilbo said calmly.

“So what do you do?” Kili realised he never saw his neighbour go to work either.

“I’m a trust fund child.” Bilbo smiled. “But to stay busy, I edit books.”

“That’s really great!” Kili admitted.

“I’m glad you’re such a nice neighbour. When the house was being sold I even considered buying it out just to keep this little piece of paradise to ourselves. The kids... they had enough of the press and paparazzi for one lifetime.” He admitted.

“The kids?” Kili looked puzzled at the three boys were playing in his swimming pool.

“Just because you don’t know I like you even better.” Bilbo admitted. “Vince, Pim, Pearl and Pip, are siblings. They are the children of my distant cousin who unfortunately died in a sailing accident. The problem was my cousin was a playboy very well known, very rich, and add to that a real prince. Pip inherited the title. So the first months just after...” He inhaled deeply. “Frodo was used to the spotlight, so when his mom die in a plane crash... well he dealt with it better.”

“His mom?” Kili was stunned.

“Rose Paladin. A cousin from the other side of my family.” Bilbo admitted.

“So he’s Frodo Paladin the child film star?” Kili realised the family he met was not just an ordinary family.

“We’re focusing more on school now, but from time to time we do take serious offers. Merry well, I just adopted him because I liked him. He’s a distant relative and if I hadn’t made the decision he would be sent to an orphanage.” Bilbo continued. “I just couldn’t let that happen.”

“You’re an unusual person Bilbo Baggins.” Kili smiled.

“You’re not so ordinary as well Caelan.” Bilbo smiled.

\------

“Do you have a gardening company?” Bilbo asked him one day.

“I was actually thinking of doing some of it myself.” Kili admitted. “Although I have little experience...”

“You know what? My gardener and his wife live on the edge of my property, and they have been complaining that there is not enough work for the pay they are getting.” Bilbo told him. Kili easily remembered their son Sam who often played with the boys. “So I’ll ask them to take a look around yours as well. They will gladly help out.”

“I don’t want to be a bother.” Kili tried protesting.

“No bother.” Bilbo assured him. “They are worth every penny I spend, and they would be thrilled for a few extra pennies.”

“Sounds liked a great deal.” Kili smiled. “I’ll be going on tour in winter, will you take a look at my house?”

“I’ll make sure everything stays in order.” Bilbo smiled. “I can’t even being to express how happy we are with a friend living next door.”

“This place is paradise.” Kili smiled passing him some more grilled meat.


	4. Chapter 4

Sometime in September, when the kids went back to school, Nori pushed himself at Kili with surprising insistence. Kili tried to stall him but his friend was so insistent that finally he gave him the address.

“This place is just beautiful! No wonder you didn’t want to share this haven with no one!” Nori embraced him and planted a soft kiss on Kili’s cheek.

“I need some time to change perspective.” Kili told him slowly. “It feels good to see you.”

“Good to see you too...” Nori tenderly kissed him. “Now I want to try that pool of yours!” Nori quickly dropped his clothes and leaving just his briefs on, he jumped in.

They spent the day just hanging out, swimming and talking about what happened. Nori was happy to see him calm and composed. Not overly unhappy.

“You know when we first met, I had a really strong crush on you...” Nori confessed during dinner.

Kili looked at him puzzled. “Then why did you say you wanted me as a friend?”

“As much as it hurt me back then... I always knew there was someone in your life. Someone more important than I’ll ever be. No one wants to be with someone who doesn’t love them.” Nori grimaced. “Not even a whore like me.”

“You’re not a whore...” Kili began protesting but Nori just continued.

“I am. I slept with more people than I can count. Always seeking something I’m not getting. If there was even a tiny chance you would love me... I would have jumped at something real with you. Living in a fancy house like this... Sex on the beach, kisses and knowing there was someone I could rely on. That’s my dream.” Nori told him grimly. “As much as I wanted it, you love him too much, so much you will never love anyone else. When you left, you left not only him but also me. I thought we could just be friends... I thought I could do this... But I know that you will always long for him. As much as I hate that idea... I’m ready to try this time.”

“You’d stay with me?” Kili asked in a shacking voice.

“Yeah, I’ll need a few days to get things settled with the club and pack my things. But I need a promise from you.” Nori told him grimly.

“What kind of promise?” Kili asked him slowly.

“We never talk about him again.” Nori told him slowly. “If you’re with me, you’re with me. That is if you want me to stay.” He added hesitantly.

Kili saw some kind of desperation on Nori’s face and he wondered how much someone must love someone to stand not being first in his lover’s heart.

“I’d love you to stay.” Kili said in a breaking voice.

“That’s good enough for me.” Nori embraced him tenderly and Kili lead him to the bedroom with a trembling hand.

\------

Bilbo was pretty surprised to meet Nori, but they embraced him as a family.

So far it seemed perfect, but Kili had a strange feeling there was something wrong. Nori was trying to put on a strong face, but Kili knew him well enough to know something was deeply wrong. Nori stopped smoking and drinking. He would cough profoundly, and generally he had a weak appetite and seemed apathetic at times.

A few weeks into living together Kili began drilling the topic, with a deep feeling his friend was keeping something from him. With huge general concern for him.

“Nori you’re not yourself...” Kili complained.

Nori looked away with tears in his eyes. “You like me less this way?”

“It’s not about liking you less...” Kili embraced him tightly. “I’m worried...”

“You’re the only one who noticed. All those so called friends...” Nori was grim. “I’ve got no one...” He inhaled deeply.

“You have me...” Kili kissed him tenderly.

“I was hoping we could make it these few months without these topics...” Nori growled. “But life is ironic. I should have known you would notice, of all the people...”

“Nori you’re scaring me...” Kili begged him.

“I’m dying Kili. That’s why I came here, to beg you for at least a bit...” Nori admitted with tears in his eyes.

Kili felt tears come up to his eyes. Adding all the facts... “What’s wrong?”

“I’ve got cancer. Three different cancers at the same time.” Nori hissed. “I won the genetic lottery, three at once.”

“Have you been to a doctor?” Kili asked him.

“Seven different ones. The most optimistic gave me half a year, the least two months.” Nori laughed. “I was planning to stick around until I looked human and felt okay.”

“And then you would just leave?” Kili’s voice was solemn.

“I would never want to be a burden.” Nori confessed looking in the distance.

“Have you told your brothers?” Kili suddenly asked.

“We have never been close like you and Fili. My brothers... they are different. Stable, organised, educated. I never told you, but I was in juvy as a teen. Breaking and entry.” Nori laugher turned into coughing. “After that... my older brother told me that I cannot cause them more pain... so I just packed and left. And I never looked back.”

“Nori... as much as I understand your need for space and giving them freedom... they would want to know.” Kili told him.

“Not yet...” Nori begged.

“I’m going to be with you till the end... And we’re visiting more doctors here in San Francisco.” Kili insisted.

“I don’t have any health insurance...” Nori growled. “And I won’t let you pay for a hopeless cause. One would mean an operation, two they would give me chemo, but three... I’m doomed.”

“We’ll try a few, and if they say the same thing... we’ll ask for a way to make your last months painless.” Kili admitted.

“We should plant some pot.” Kili added after a moment.

“Now that’s more my game!” Nori laughed and snuggled into his embrace. “Thank you...”

\------

They went to countless doctors, only to hear the same diagnosis, Nori’s chances were close to zero even with an operation and chemo.

Mr. Gamgee after a long discussion prepared a special path in the garden, and a few pot bushes were planted in a more secluded area. “Only for medicinal purposes!” The man pointed his finger with a strange smile.

“Only!” Kili winked at him.

Bilbo quickly realised Nori was not just down with the flu, but that something much more profound was going on. And soon Nori was flooded with attention. Cake, pies, tea, healthy food. Organic food.

“Did you really try a good doctor?” Bilbo asked with worry.

“We visited ten.” Kili confirmed.

“Life is crap sometimes.” Bilbo inhaled and cursed which was not like him. “It’s going to be difficult the last weeks. I had it with my mum.” He admitted. “But we’ll be there for both of you. It’s very brave what you’re doing.”

“We’ve been friends for several years... He needs me.” Kili admitted.

“But you don’t really love him?” Bilbo pin pointed with ease.

“It’s complicated.” Kili whispered.

“He’s lucky to have you.” Bilbo gently patted Kili’s back.


	5. Chapter 5

Four months after moving in, Nori landed in the hospital the first time. He lost consciousness in the shower, and the ambulance swiftly took him away.

Kili sat there with him desperate to hear what the doctors would say. But the news wasn’t good. The lung cancer progressed rapidly.

“He should stay in the hospital.” The doctor insisted.

“We’re going home.” Kili said firmly.

“I’ll prepare the release documents.” She grimaced.

Kili reached for Nori’s phone, he knew he was abusing his privacy, but his brothers needed to know. After browsing the phone he found a name sounding a lot like Nori’s. Ori. What was the chance?

Kili quickly dialled the number just to hear a funny ring tone with some childish melody.

“It’s fucking three a.m., this better be good!” The young voice complained.

“Are you Nori’s brother?” Kili asked.

“Yeah... what about him?” The person on the other side seemed suddenly alert.

“I’m a friend of his... and he’ll be pissed I’m calling you... but he’s dying.” Kili said quickly.

“What?” The voice was stunned.

“He’s got cancer.” Kili clarified.

“Where is he?” The voice demanded firmly.

“San Francisco, I’ll text you my phone number.” Kili told him.

“We’ll come as soon as possible.” The person assured him.

\------

“So you want to drop everything, sell the flat and my car, just to fly to San Francisco because Nori’s friend told you he was dying?” Dori was pissed.

“Yes!” Ori continued packing.

“You really think he’s ill?” Dori asked him slowly.

“This is too serious to be a joke.” Ori continued packing. “Face it I lost my job and there is nothing keeping me here.”

“What about my job?” Dori hissed.

“You can be an accountant anywhere you want.” Ori grimaced. “Either we find the money and go, or we’ll both regret it if it was the truth. So start packing...”

Dori still felt it was too far-fetched to fly across the globe just because his brother... “Fuck it!” He grabbed a bag and began taking his most important things. “But we’re not selling the flat, we’re going to rent it.” He pointed his finger at Ori.

“Will the car give us enough to buy plane tickets?” Ori asked worried.

“I’ve got savings... I’m a fucking accountant for heaven’s sake!” Dori hissed.

“What if it’s actually true?” Ori asked worried.

“We’ll find out soon enough.” Dori grimaced.

\------

When they finally flew in Ori dialled the number he got.

“Hey!” The voice greeted him. “I’m glad you called back, so are you coming?”

“We just arrived at the airport, but first we need to find a hotel and later we could come and visit...” Ori began explaining.

“Forget about hotels, I’ll be there in half an hour.” The voice assured him. “We have enough space here.”

“We don’t want to impose...” Ori admitted meekly.

“Nori needs you.” The man assured him quickly. “Wait for me.”

“How will I know it’s you?” Ori asked worried.

“I’ll call you when I get there.” The man assured him.

“So what now?” Dori grimaced.

“He’s going to pick us up... he said we don’t have to book a hotel.” Ori replied.

“Just fucking great...” Dori hissed and sat down.

\-----

Kili called Bilbo, and soon Vinca and Pearl were watching a film in his living room and watching over sleeping Nori. He jumped into his car and drove all the way to airport, dead worried what would happen.

It didn’t take long to find them. The young boy sitting on some luggage looked so much like Nori, and not like Nori at the same time. Red hair, same eyes and freckles. Add to that a baggy old sweater, shapeless jeans, and a worried expression on his face.

“Are you Nori’s brother?” Kili decided to approach head on.

“Hi! I’m Ori!” The boy introduced himself. “This is Dori.”

Kili gazed at the white haired serious man sitting nearby. He looked nothing like Nori at all.

“Is this a joke?” The man asked grimly.

“I’m afraid not.” Kili said sadly. “Let’s go. I haven’t really told him I’ve contacted you... so well I hope he won’t kill us all.”

“What kind of cancer did he get?” Dori asked him.

“Three types. Lungs, stomach and liver.” Kili counted out.

“That’s...” The younger boy said.

“Just like mom.” Dori grimaced.

“She died of cancer?” Kili asked suddenly.

“At the age of thirty seven.” The solemn Dori admitted.

“He’s in very bad shape.” Kili told them as they were going into the parking lot.

“We know what to expect.” Dori admitted. “We don’t have to stay at your place... in which hospital is he?”

“He’s at home.” Kili told them opening his Porsche.

Ori’s eyes went wide seeing the car, but he said nothing.

After a longer drive they arrived at the house, and the moment they opened the outer gate Ori gasped when he realised it was a private road. Dori was more silent than ever.

“He’s still sleeping.” A girl walked out and hugged their host.

“Thank you for watching him.” Kili assured her gently.

“No problem.” The second girl hugged him.

“Good night!” He waved at them.

“I’ll show you to the guest house, and I’ll start dinner, he usually wakes up after eight.” Kili told them and showed them the second house.

Ori stood there stunned, his eyes wide open as he glanced around the guest house.

“This place is just...” He inhaled.

“Don’t let it get to your head... We’ll probably get billed at the end.” Dori was down to Earth.

They unpacked and shortly before eight walked to the main house.

Ori’s was full of awe, and if not for the dreadful circumstances he would be delighted to stay in a house like that.

“Dinner is almost ready.” Their host greeted them again.

“I forgot to introduce myself...” He admitted shyly. “I’m Kili.”

“Where is Nori?” Dori demanded.

“He’s sleeping on the sofa on the deck.” Kili walked that way. Soon they saw a slim figure wrapped in a few blankets despite the warm weather.

“Hey sleepy head...” Kili gently embraced him.

“Is it dinner time?” There was a smile in Nori’s voice.

“Almost.” Kili sat down next to him. “We have some guests...”

“No more doctors please...” Nori begged in a weak voice.

“No doctors.” Kili assured him brushing his hair gently.

“Nori?” Ori’s whisper was faint.

Nori noticing his brother immediately got tears in his eyes and he hid in Kili’s embrace. “I don’t want you to see me like this...” He sobbed.

“Nori...” Ori was desperate, but Kili quickly waved at him to come closer.

Soon Nori was crying in his younger brother’s arms, desperate sobs shacking him, and soon coughing as if he was going to spit his lungs out. Ori reached for Dori and soon both of them were holding him.

“You idiot you should have called earlier, we would try some experimental therapy or something...” Dori hissed.

“Mom died anyway.” Nori mumbled.

“We would fight for you... we could have tried...” Ori cried with him.

“We tried... we visited over twelve doctors...” Kili told them gently. “They gave us no options...”

“No more doctors...” Nori sobbed. “I don’t want any more tests and treatments! I don’t want any more pills...”

“No more...” Kili gently brushed his hair.

“Promise me, no more...” Nori begged reaching for Kili.

“No more.” Kili promised. “Calm down Darling... no more I promise. Let’s go and eat dinner... I made your favourite.”

“Tacos?” Nori asked.

“Tacos.” Kili gently lifted him. “Come on.” He nodded at Nori’s brothers.

Nori could see the worried glares from Ori and Dori. But he simply didn’t feel like eating much. Kili practically forced him to eat with him. And Nori desperately wanted to, but his stomach... did not feel like eating anymore.

“It’s the last phase...” Dori inhaled deeply, after Kili carried Nori into their bedroom.

“I wanted to contact you earlier, but Nori didn’t want you to know.” Kili told them.

“What you did, taking care of him...” Ori began.

“I love him. He’s my best friend. My only friend.” Kili said as if those words explained everything.

“It’s going to get more difficult.” Dori said sad.

“I’m ready to face it, are you?” Kili asked him seriously.

“I left my job, rented my flat and sold my car, not to mention spent all the money we had on plane tickets, what do you think?” Dori took him head on.

“You’re welcome to stay as long as you want.” Kili assured them. “I’m sorry but I need to go back to him, he rarely sleeps a whole night now.”

\-------

Nori lasted only three more weeks. But those were happy weeks, full of joking and holding. Full of tender kiss from Kili, snacks from Ori and jokes from Dori. Great food from Bilbo, and the kids' laughter. Nori joked that now he could pretend he was okay.

“I’m going to be with you when you decide to do it...” Kili held him tightly, trying not to cry in front of Nori. He and Ori had long crying sessions when Dori was overseeing Nori sleeping.

“It hurts so fucking much...” Nori admitted.

“Medicine time?” Dori asked.

“It helps only a bit now.” Nori grimaced.

“At least it tastes good.” Kili laughed.

“I sometimes feel you all enjoy it more than I do.” He reached for the joint.

\-----

Two weeks after Ori’s and Dori’s arrival, the time came when Nori couldn’t take any more. Elrond, Bilbo’s doctor arrived, and in the comfort of his own bed, in the arm of his lover, Elrond administered the last fatal shot of morphine.

Soon two nurses put Nori on a stretcher, leaving Kili and his brothers crying.

“Thank you for everything you did for him...” Dori held Kili and Ori.

“It’s just so fucking unfair...” Kili cried.

“Life is fucking unfair.” Dori noticed sternly.

After cremating the body, they called their neighbours to come to the funeral. At the end of the deck over the sea, Kili fulfilled Nori’s last wish. Only in the company of his family and Bilbo and the kids, he gently sprayed the ashes into the sea.


End file.
